I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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