He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
