did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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