Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
