Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
