Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
