the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
