I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
