so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
