He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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