So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
don't judge my taste in strippers
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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