she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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