I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.