pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
