You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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