i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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