People in love make me want to vomit
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
