Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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