My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
