my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
