the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
