I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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