he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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