Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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