My underwear smells like fireworks.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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