I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
