he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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