in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
