Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
