So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
