I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
