Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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