Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
