I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
