I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
