Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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