we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
