I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
