If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
