highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
