You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
