I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
