I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
