Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
