Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
