Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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