i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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