Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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