So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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