he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
What drink are we having for lunch?
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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