I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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