you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
