he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
