I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"